


sit down honey, and let's talk

by nevercatchfeelings_youwilldie



Series: Bucky's bladder problems Or How Bucky and Steve discover a new side of themselves [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Actual Angel Bucky Barnes, Age Play, Cuddling & Snuggling, Diapers, Embarrassment, Established Relationship, Headspace, Infantilism, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Pacifiers, Spoilers for Moana and the Fox and the Hound, Steve kinkshames himself, Wetting, in my humble opinion, little!steve, lots of Steve blushing and squirming, pee accident, really soft and really cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 14:59:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12820029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevercatchfeelings_youwilldie/pseuds/nevercatchfeelings_youwilldie
Summary: After a rather unexpected loss of control that left Steve ashamed and humiliated, Bucky decides it is finally time for them to sit down and have 'The Talk'.Direct follow-up to 'A good start in the day', in which Steve slowly begins to come to terms with his little side.





	1. Whoops

**Author's Note:**

> Another weekend, another fic. I could get used to this rhythm, and I hope to be able to keep it up!
> 
> Again, this is part of my series and this one would really make more sense if you already read 'A good start in the day' first, but if you're only here to see Steve being embarrassed about admitting to his needs and wants, do feel very welcome and read on!
> 
> As usual, none of the original characters or storylines that inspired me are my own, and i'm not making any profit from my writing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Still unsure about how to deal with the state of mind Steve was in, Bucky decided to let him lead.

He let Steve decide what they were gonna do, what he wanted to spend the day with, what to eat, etc., etc.

As it turned out, Steve was pretty much satisfied with pancakes and syrup for breakfast, which he ate with so much delight, Bucky was almost sad about it when Steve declared that he was full.

Afterwards, he let Steve pick out a movie from their Netflix account, and, contrary to all the stuff Steve usually elected, stuff about politics and freedom and justice and what not mixed with some comedies that were so bad they were funny again, he declared that he’d like to watch ‘Moana’.

So, since Steve was the boss today, Bucky made some popcorn and settled down to watch a children movie, something he had never done before, or at least couldn’t remember that he did.

He sat down on the couch and usually, Steve wouldn’t cuddle up to him right at the beginning of the movie because sometimes, he was just still so reserved and _shy_ about getting close to Bucky, about allowing himself enjoy the intimacy, he only comes closer when a good third of the movie was already over, even though he knew that Bucky had already noticed all the longing glances he had thrown into his direction in the meantime. But today was different altogether, so Bucky really shouldn’t have been surprised when he already felt Steve tugging on his sleeve to signal him that he’d very much like him to lift his arm so he could settle against his side while the opening credits were still going.

Obviously, Bucky didn’t refuse Steve’s demand for some body contact, and wrapped his arm around the other’s shoulder, smiling a bit when he felt Steve practically melting into his embrace.

Bucky didn’t expect anything from the movie, considering that he had nothing he could compare it to, and yet he still got positively surprised, very much so, even.

It was funny and light, but earnest where it mattered. The girl, Moana, was a delight and so smart and dedicated, how could anyone not like her? Bucky also fell in love with the chicken, for some reason.

He might or might not have had some tears in his eyes when the glowing devilfish appeared.

Apparently, Steve had enjoyed himself too, because when Bucky asked him if he liked it as the end credits were rolling, his partner nodded enthusiastically and even asked if they could watch it again sometime.

“Watching it again? Since when do you enjoy watching a movie twice?”, Bucky had asked, bewildered about Steve’s request, because this was something he really _never_ did.

But the other man just shrugged somewhat truculent. “Since now.”, he simply said, and then smiled at Bucky brightly again. “So, can we?”.

Bucky had to stifle down a chuckle. Steve really was adorable like this.

“Sure, dear, we can do that. But maybe on another day?”, he said, hoping for Steve to agree because he wasn’t sure he could handle having the Grandma die again, it had already been terribly sad the first time, he didn’t need to reopen that wound so soon after. 

Luckily, Steve was okay with that. Since they were both feeling lazy that day, and Steve didn’t seem too eager to speak anyway, they decided on watching another movie.

This time Steve went for “The Fox and the Hound” and goddamn, if this was the day Steve wanted to see Bucky laying on the floor crying about fictional, animated animals, he must have felt pretty much victorious, because when the old lady said goodbye to the fox in the woods, Bucky damn near choked on the try to not let Steve see that he was full-on weeping.

Of course, Steve being the person that he is, he did saw. His eyebrows were drawn together in confusion, as he looked up to Bucky and reached out with his hand to let the tip of his index finger wander over Bucky’s wet cheek.

“Why are you crying?”, he asked, so sweetly, Bucky was close to bursting into tears again. He sounded very worried, and somewhat disbelieving of Bucky’s reaction to the movie. It made Bucky wonder if Steve didn’t only act different when he was like this, but if he also took stuff in differently.

Bucky smiled down at him, trying to calm Steve’s concern. “Everything’s fine, I promise. This part was just… really sad, is all.”, he tried to explain, and after a moment of consideration, the process of his thoughts clearly visible on Steve’s face, the other man smiled at Bucky softly and whispered “okay”, before laying back down and returning his attention to the screen. 

Once the movie was over, they stayed on the couch for a little bit, until Bucky’s bladder made itself known and, considering that he didn’t have any control over it at all just a few months ago, Bucky decided that today wouldn’t be the best time to fuck around with his luck. So, he got up, made Steve let go of his sleeve after he grabbed it tightly and whined when Bucky was starting to leave the couch by promising him that they could have an awful lot of cuddles once he returned, and made his way to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the toilet, he wondered if Steve, who had basically drank the same amount as he did, wouldn’t have to go the toilet soon, too.

Although, when he returned to the living room, that question was answered rather quickly; there Steve sat upright, with his head resting on the back of the sofa, his whole body slumped into the cushions, his legs spread lightly and a relaxed look in his face.

For people with normal hearing it probably wouldn’t have been noticeable, but Bucky _did_ hear it, the sound of Steve filling up his diaper right on their couch, obviously oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t alone anymore.

Not wanting to disturb Steve’s ‘privacy’, and to be quite honest, being a bit overwhelmed with what was happening all day long but especially with this, Bucky stood still in the doorway, unable to take his eyes off his partner as he was shamelessly wetting himself just a few feet away from him, his legs spreading slightly further as time went by, and when Bucky took a step forward to change the angle from which he was looking at Steve, he saw that the knuckle of his left index finger has found its way to Steve’s lips again.

How could an action considered to be so naughty by each and every social standard, look so innocent and _beautiful_ to him?

The sight didn’t only make Bucky’s heart swell with both adoration for his adorable Stevie and confusion about _what the hell was going on_ , but also went right to Bucky’s crotch because damn, seeing Steve letting go of all control and bashfulness in that moment was pretty hot to him.

Yet, he knew that his body’s reaction was more than just a bit inappropriate and absolutely unhelpful right now, not doing any of them any good while Steve was acting like this, so all Bucky could do was thinking ‘not now, boner’, as he cautiously took another step into Steve’s direction.

“Hey.”, he said softly, so quiet, only Steve’s serum-enhanced ears could’ve heard it.

And Steve, Steve suddenly teared up his eyes and jerked his head to look at Bucky, a look of complete surprise and _fear_ on his face like a kid would look at his mother when she caught it with its fingers in the cookie jar, quickly pulling his knuckle out of his mouth and drawing his legs together on reflex.

A sharp sting of pain went through Bucky’s chest as he watched Steve reacting like that. Immediately, he felt bad for stepping forward at all instead of just letting Steve come to him once his little, private moment was over.

The once rather absent and relaxed look in Steve’s eyes from earlier that day disappeared completely, and Bucky pretty much watched as Steve became _Steve_ again.

For a second, they just stared at each other. Then, a sob wrecked through Steve’s body, a sound that was capable of making Bucky’s heart break into a million pieces, and Steve started babbling hysterically.

“Bucky, I- I’m so sorry, I don’t know how this could’ve happened, it was-… it was an accident, I swear, it will never happen again, god, I’m so, so sorry Bucky please don’t be mad, please-“

But then, Bucky has already closed the distance between them and knelt down in front of Steve, resting one hand on his knee while reaching out with the other to place it on the side of Steve’s neck, holding his face still so he could look at him.

Steve’s face was full of shame and he could barely look into Bucky’s eyes.

“Shhh, Steve, everything’s fine, okay?”, he tried to calm the other man down. “No one’s mad at you, everything’s good, you did nothing wrong.”

“But-“, Steve tried to interrupt him, but Bucky was having none of it.

“No, listen to me, listen to me. Everything’s okay, you’re okay, alright? I promise, I’m not mad at all. But I need you to calm down for me, can you do that?”, he asked and although tears were still streaming down his face and he still looked close to having a mental breakdown, Steve gulped and nodded eventually, which earned him a proud smile from Bucky.

“Alright, take a deep breath with me.”, Bucky said and after a second, Steve followed his example, even though his breath was rattling in his lungs while Bucky’s was completely silent. They repeated this five, six times, until Bucky got up from the floor and sat down next to Steve, his hand still cupping the other’s face, stroking his cheekbone softly.

“There we go, see? Much better.”, he continued soothing. Steve just looked at him, and Bucky could pretty much feel his sped-up heartbeat in his own chest. His bottom lip was quivering lightly, the man clearly was on the edge of breaking into tears again.

Quickly, Bucky skidded closer so he was able to take Steve into his arms, pulling his partner against him so Steve could hide his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck, where his skin was all comfortingly warm and he didn’t have to look at him anymore.

Bucky had almost expected to feel Steve sobbing again, but he was absolutely still, and it dawned on him that not only he had been overwhelmed and completely taken aback by what just happened, but Steve, too.

He let Steve stay like this for a minute, hoping it’d help the other man to calm down at least a bit, and then pulled back and made Steve look at him again. Steve’s eyes tried to focus on everything but Bucky, but because they were sitting to close to each other, he soon found that there was no escaping this; he had to look right into Bucky’s face.

“Now, do you maybe wanna talk about it? Obviously, you don’t have to, but I feel like it would be good for both of us right now.”, Bucky started in a soft voice, his thumb back to stroking the side of Steve’s flushed face.

Steve opened and closed his mouth a few times until he was eventually able to speak up.

“I-… I can’t really explain it Buck. This morning, I felt different somehow, I felt like I was a different person, who wanted different things from what I usually want and then, we watched the movies and I was so comfortable, I just-…”, he stopped to swallow and take a deep breath, his glance going down so he could look at the hem of Bucky’s shirt instead of his face. “I didn’t want to get up. And then you went and it was like… like my body was seeing this as its chance to just _do it_ and it was like I was not in control over it anymore, all my head had seemed to want was to go for it, and then I- I just did. But Bucky, I promise I’m not sick or anything, I’m not a pervert, or-“

“Shhh”, Bucky interrupted him. “No one’s thinking you are. It’s okay, I ain’t gonna judge you. But this with you feeling different, was this the first time it happened?”

“The first time the thought actually turned into acting on it.”, Steve mumbled, clearly uncomfortable. 

“So, you were feeling like this before a few times but never let it… come through?”, Bucky asked further, now rather interested in the process that must’ve been going on in Steve’s head for quite some time by now.

“Yeah, pretty much. You know, it-… it scared me, when it first happened, so I pushed it away again and again but this morning… or rather, yesterday night already, I just _couldn’t_.”, Steve continued, now close to crying again, and Bucky gently shushed him anew. “Hey, there’s no need to cry. You don’t need to be ashamed, either. Look, I’m going to be completely honest; I have no experience with this at all, I can’t tell you what’s going on with you, but what I _can_ tell you is that I’ll help you find a way to deal with this and I will not leave you alone with it. Alright?”, Bucky declared then, putting one hand on Steve’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

“Alright.”, Steve mumbled after a second.

“Good.”, Bucky smiled, squeezing again. “Now, how about we both take a few minutes so we can sort our heads out and then we go sit down and have a real talk about it?”, he proposed, and Steve winced at the thought of further discussing it.

“You know it’ll have to happen sooner or later, dear.”, Bucky said gently.

Steve nodded reluctantly.

Bucky looked at him for a moment. “Do you want me to help you with-“

“No.”, Steve interrupted him sharply, which took Bucky a bit by surprise if he was being honest. Then, probably having heard it himself, Steve continued much softer, while smiling like he was in pain though. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… but no, thank you, I’ll just-… I’m gonna take care of it myself, okay?”, he asked, his cheeks turning a deeper shade of pink than they already were as he got up from the couch and vaguely gestured into the direction of the bathroom.

“Of course that’s okay, Stevie.”, Bucky reassured him kindly, and watched him as he hurried out of the living room, the wet diaper making him walk a bit like a duck. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Ten minutes later, Bucky was already sitting at the small table they had put into the kitchen after Steve had repeatedly bumped his hipbones into the larger table that stood there before until one day he decided that enough was enough.

This new one was made of dark wood, from a walnut-tree if Bucky remembered correctly, and costly lacquered so the possibility to leave scratches was close to zero.

Right now, Bucky almost wished that the nail of his thumb would leave some visible marks after he scratched it over the surface, again and again, just to have a proof that what he was doing here wasn’t for nothing.

He was nervous. Why was he nervous? Did he have anything to fear? He knew that he didn’t.

But he was afraid that he’d fuck this up.

Before he could further sink into his worried thoughts, Steve turned around the corner, now dressed in blue jeans and a black and red squared shirt. He walked silently and slowly, as if he almost didn’t dare to walk into the kitchen, and Bucky felt so, so sorry for him. He almost felt guilty, for making Steve talk about it more even though it was clearly leaving him uncomfortable and embarrassed, but then again, they couldn’t just _ignore_ it, could they?

Steve’s cheeks were still of a deep shade of pink, and he was biting his lips anxiously as he sat down opposite of Bucky, trying to look at anything but the man in front of him.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, the ticking of the watch the only audible noise.

Then, Bucky reached across the table and laid his right hand down, opened and with its palm pointing up. He patiently waited for Steve to corporate, and once the other man shyly put his own hand into Bucky’s, he gave him a squeeze and intertwined their fingers.

“It’s okay.”, he said gently, and Steve grimaced, still not looking at him.

Bucky continued. “I know that you are feeling embarrassed and I get it, but I need you to know that whatever this talk will result in… we’re gonna deal with it, together, okay? You don’t have to be afraid, I’m not doing this to judge you or make fun of you, I just wanna help you. You know that, right?”

Steve nodded, eyes glued to the floor. “Yeah, I know.”

“And I love you. Do you know that, too?”, Bucky asked further, which earned him a mild scoff from the other man, who even smiled for a second at that.

“How could I ever forget that?”, he mumbled.

“Good. Then the most important things are already said, and everything else is just odds and ends.”, Bucky said in what he hoped had been a cheerful, confident tone. Steve didn’t say anything.

Bucky sighed. This was going to be very difficult. How did one even properly start this kind of a conversation?

Eventually, Bucky decided that he had to say _something_ , or this was going to get so much worse, so he ended up asking the first thing that came to his mind.

“Do you think it’s likely that you’ll… you know, that you’ll have an episode like this again?”, he asked gently.

Steve shrugged, then did nothing for a moment. Then, he slowly turned his head up and looked at Bucky like a frightened child that had to confess something that’d earn him a spanking. Eventually, he nodded. “Yes.”

Bucky smiled at him, squeezing his hand anew. “Okay, so there’s that. Better we prepare ourselves properly, right?”, he asked, but didn’t expect to get an answer anyway. Steve was still holding his eyes.

“So when it happens again, you do you want me to react? Like, was it okay how I did it this time or would you rather be left alone or-“

“No!”, Steve interrupted him hastily, looking at him as if Bucky had just suggested they should go out and kill some children’s pet rabbits for the fun of it. “No, please don’t leave me alone, please don’t ever do that.”, he then whispered, and Bucky felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces.

“I won’t, I promise.”, he assured, and Steve relaxed slightly. “But, have I been doing something wrong, did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?”

Quickly, Steve shook his head. “No, you were…”, he started blushing. “You were perfect.”, he confessed and couldn’t stop a tiny, adoring smile forming on his face.

Bucky smiled back at him, more than just a bit glad to hear that apparently he didn’t completely suck at this.

“Good, it’s nice to know that… I- I know this is a pretty much impossible question and you probably don’t have a real answer to that but… do you have any idea _why_ you are having these… moments?”

“I really don’t.”, Steve answered honestly. “I, uh, I noticed that I most often got those thoughts when I was stressed, or worried, or… you know, felt lonely. And then we drove to your niece and the _thing_ happened, and it was like-… like a lever was pulled inside of me and suddenly all I could think about was you putting that diaper on me and how I felt so secured and warm and comfortable…-“, he stopped there, his cheeks so red it looked like he was close to exploding.

“Hey, no shame.”, Bucky reassured him gently and Steve nodded as if to remind himself.

“I guess I unconsciously wanted to feel like that again, and so my body reacted… with this. Or my mind. I don’t know.”, he mumbled, now looking down at the table’s surface again.

“I feel like that’s not quite as unlikely as you think it is, doll.”, Bucky eventually answered, whereupon Steve’s eyebrows drew together in a frown.

“What do you mean by that?”, he asked.

Bucky sighed internally. If he asked Steve to be honest with him about what he felt and needed, it was only fair to not hold back his own little things either, right?

“I just meant, I get it. The feeling of having a diaper on, the security that comes with it… I know what you mean. I’ve experienced it myself.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot up. “You did?”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to grimace, but then he nodded and continued. “Yeah, you know… my bladder’s still pretty weak, as you know, especially when I’m in a stressing situation or not feeling so well, right? But sometimes… there are times when I just, you know, put them on only to have them on. A bit like you asked for, in a way, only that I didn’t- I don’t really know how to put it without it sounding awfully wrong but, I didn’t have a change in behaviour like you did, you know?”

Steve looked at him for a second, visibly processing and considering. “So why are you wearing them? Are you using them?”, he asked, clearly surprised by his own boldness to ask his boyfriend if he was pissing diapers for fun.

Bucky chuckled at Steve’s face, but also out of embarrassment. But today, they were being completely honest, so there was no backing out now. He took a deep breath.

“Yeah, I do.”

The words hung between them, feeling like they were filling up every empty space in the room.

Bucky started to worry. What if he fucked it up, and now it was Steve’s turn to think of him as a pervert, what if-

And then, Steve let out a breath, followed by a low chuckle, and he looked at Bucky with amused eyes.

“I can’t even tell you how good it feels to hear that I’m not the only one at this table who’s into some pretty weird stuff.”, he eventually explained, voice sounding a bit more confident now.

Bucky scoffed at that. “Glad to be of service.”

Then, Steve was turning earnest again. “But seriously, it really does make me feel a bit better.”, he paused for a second before he continued, almost inaudibly and barely able to hold eye contact anymore. “Are you-… um, you know, is it, do you-“

“Are you trying to ask me if I get off on it, Steve?”, Bucky interrupted him, not having it in him to wait until the clumsy stuttering finished. Steve nodded, lips parted lightly.

“I do.”, Bucky said with a shrug, trying to look a lot more assertive about it than he actually felt.

It was only there for a split of a second, but Bucky could’ve sworn that he had just seen something dark, something _lustful_ flash through Steve’s eyes, but when he blinked, the spotting was already gone again.

“Do you?”, Bucky asked now, trying to direct the attention onto Steve again, who blushed anew and looked like he was desperately wishing for a blanket to hide underneath.

“I take it as a yes.”, Bucky continued with a smirk, watching Steve squirm.

“I- Not always.”, Steve eventually answered. Bucky cocked his head. “Sometimes the imagination of wearing one, after my accident on the road, was pretty, um, hot. But sometimes, it didn’t make me feel that way.”

“So what did it make you feel?”

“I don’t know, I can’t really…”, Steve sighed. “It just, it made me feel like I needed to be cared for, to feel safe and protected and… and small again.”

That surprised Bucky, and he frowned. “Small like you used to be before they gave you the serum?”.

For a second, Steve just stared at him, before slowly shaking his head. “No”, he mumbled. “I mean, really small. Little. Like a-“

“Like a child.”, Bucky answered for him, and it wasn’t a question.

Steve’s face was so pink by now, it resembled one of Nat’s favourite lipsticks. Underneath that color, he was pale like the dead.

He gulped and looked at Bucky with uncertainty, the anxiety from earlier returning to his features.

“Does that make me a pervert?”, he asked, voice barely louder than a whisper. 

Bucky’s heart sunk at the fear in Steve’s eyes. “God, Steve, why would you even begin to think that?”

The other man just shrugged, looking down ashamed while worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Lemme ask you some questions; do you think there’s anything hot about being a child?”

Now Steve looked up, openly irritated. “What the hell, of course not.”

“Good. And do you get off thinking of children?”

“Jesus Bucky what the fuck?! No, hell no, I don’t!”, Steve said, voice loud and filled with perceptible disgust.

Bucky shrugged. “See? Then there’s nothing to worry about.”

Steve seemed to consider for a moment, the anger leaving his features again as he begins to agree with what Bucky said. But then, another wave of blushing crashed over him, causing him to duck his head and avoid eye contact again.

“But, this morning… you know when I was feeling so weird, and we… we did the stuff, I mean, back then I was-“

“But were you into it because you felt like a child, or because what we did felt good?”, Bucky interrupted him gently.

“I don’t… I can’t really explain. I mean, it definitely didn’t happen because I felt like a-… like a child. I didn’t even feel that much like a child yet, at all, if I’m thinking about it now. It had more to do with being comfortable and feeling safe a-and loved around you? And because I also had to, you know, um, because I also had to use the bathroom earlier and the holding was kinda… I just liked it, okay? And then you were there and… Actually, I feel like it happened just because of well, you and, um…”

“Me and the pee?”, Bucky asked with a chuckle, trying to pull Steve out of his embarrassed stammering.

“Well, yes, I guess.”, Steve mumbled, still avoiding to look at his lover.

“Why Steve, I’m feeling honored.”, Bucky teased, which earned him an exaggerated sigh from the other man, but it also made Steve smile for a second, even though he tried to hide it by further looking down.

Then, Bucky got serious again.

“What we did this morning… that was okay with you, right? I mean, I didn’t pressure you into anything?”, he asked, uncertain and almost afraid of the answer.

For a moment, Steve didn’t answer, and then he actually started to _laugh_. Bucky drew his eyebrows together in confusion. What was so funny about his question?

Then, Steve finally looked at him again, and he seemed like some great relief just washed over him.

“If you pressured me? Buck, if anyone was pressuring this morning, it was me. Not only the making out and everything, but _all_ the things I put you through today and yesterday. I was feeling so bad about it, still am, but I was afraid of asking because I was scared of the answer.”, he admit, and Bucky sighed and leaned forward to reach out with his metal arm, demanding to hold Steve’s other hand.

The other man complied, and Bucky waited until he was looking him into the eyes again.

“Listen here you punk, _nothing_ that happened pressured or bothered me in any way. Believe me, if it did, you would have noticed that rather quickly, therapy had taught me how to express it if something makes me feel uncomfortable.”, Bucky said, unable to keep the hint of pride about his achievement out of his tone, and Steve’s mouth quirked up for a second before he got serious again. Bucky continued; “I have to admit… I had no real idea what I was doing the majority of the time, but I can tell you that it never felt bad. In fact, it made me feel good too, not only the orgasm but also, you know… taking care of you. It was nice, even though unusual. Reminded me of the good old times, in a way. But, what I actually want to say is this; you did nothing wrong, I never felt uncomfortable and if this is something that helps you with by and makes you feel good and safe and what not… I’m up for it.”

Steve just looked at him for a few seconds, obviously not prepared to hear so much encouragement from his boyfriend’s side. Then, a smile evolved on his face and his eyes lit up ever so slightly. “Really?”, he asked with a hopefulness in his voice that made Bucky’s heart swell with both the affection for the other man, and the feeling of having fucked up for not recognizing Steve’s needs for such a long time.

“Yes, Stevie, really. I like taking care of you, always have, even when you were being the biggest pain in the ass.”, he said, whereupon Steve laughed because he was very well aware of how much he fought back to Bucky’s attempt at mother-henning him back then, while simultaneously craving the affection, the attention – but, on his terms only. “Also”, Bucky continued. “You behaving like that… it’s really adorable. _You_ are really adorable.”

That made Steve blush again, in the best possible way, and again Bucky couldn’t help but think about how lucky he got to have such a cute boy to call his own.

“Thank you.”, Steve mumbled shyly, which Bucky answered to with a kind smile.

They sat in silence for some time, yet the quiet wasn’t uncomfortable, both were just caught up in their thoughts. Eventually, Steve coughed quietly and Bucky watched him as he straightened his back and sat up a bit, as if he was mentally armouring himself for something he’d really rather avoid.

“So… how do we do it?”

“That’s a good question. Internet?”, Bucky asked.

Steve looked at him and nodded. “Internet.”

While Bucky got up to get his laptop, Steve went to the kitchen aisle to grab the water heater, being in the mood for some tea with milk. He had just poured a cup for Bucky, too, when the other man turned around the corner again and placed his laptop and the belonging power adapter on the table. Then, he plugged the cable into the socket and sat down at the same time as Steve put the hot mugs down in front of them.

In silence, they both sat in front of the screen, waiting for the device to get started and then for Bucky to open up Firefox.

Then, Bucky looked at Steve with a frown. “What exactly are we even looking for?”, he asked as the google starting page finished loading, whereupon Steve shrugged.

“I didn’t really think that far.”, he admit, and Bucky smiled at him.

“Okay, let’s just try… hmm. How about ‘adult feeling like a child?’”, he asked while typing but didn’t wait for Steve to give an answer before he entered the search query.

For a few minutes, they scrolled up and down the site of results. 

“What do you think about all this? Is this how you’re feeling?”, Bucky asked, and again, Steve could only shrug.

“I don’t know… I don’t really feel ‘trapped’ in an adult body, you know? I mean, I don’t constantly feel like that and I also don’t want my body to be smaller… _again_. It also isn’t like I’m not feeling mature enough when I’m, you know, normal. But the first article sounded quite interesting, could you open it?”, Steve said and Bucky followed his request.

The site has aroused Steve’s interest because it was talking about depression and coping mechanisms, but when he came to the “Six signs” the doctor that created the site listed up for identifying as an adult child, he quickly came to the conclusion that this wasn’t the right source for him. So, he asked Bucky to close the site again and they continued their search.

After an hour, they have been through quite a few search queries, amongst them “adult having childlike phases”, “adult acting like a child sometimes” and many more, until Steve eventually typed “adult acting like a baby”, and that’s when he finally found something that addressed him.

After that, Bucky and he browsed through several of the suggested websites, finding different interesting explanations and facts on all of them, both reading in silence, not discussing what they saw there.

Now, Bucky knew it would’ve made Steve more than just a bit uncomfortable if he asked him to list up all the things he’d like or be interested in or what he wanted to try, so he proposed him to take a shower, which Steve gladly did, while Bucky wanted to look further into it. 

Eventually, Bucky started a list with all the things he thought Steve could like, and with which he himself was most likely comfortable with.

Steve apparently didn’t feel like hurrying up that day, because he only came back from the bathroom, now dressed again in sweatpants and a soft, dark blue sweater, when Bucky had already finished his writing. At the end of the paper, he had added several numbers that should symbolize different ages.

As Steve sat down opposite of him, he wordlessly shoved the piece of paper with a pencil over to the other man who first lifted his eyebrows, but then started to read carefully as he understood what Bucky wanted from him.

After a few minutes in which Bucky sipped his now enjoyable-warm tea and scrolled around on his phone, Steve eventually handed the list back to Bucky, his face having turned pink and embarrassed and oh so adorable again.

Bucky took a look at the paper. Steve made a cross behind nearly every idea and aspect Bucky wrote down, which made him smile brighter the further he was reading, while Steve was squirming slightly on his chair, waiting for Bucky to finish.

Eventually, Bucky overdrew the only two things Steve didn’t agree on, while letting the ones where he had added a question mark or wrote down something in brackets, stay. Steve hadn’t circled any of the numbers, which didn’t really surprise Bucky though. In the end, “Spankings” and “Sub/Dom relationship” got crossed out. 

Sure enough, Bucky would have liked to talk it all out right then and there, but he didn’t want to overwhelm his boy, who has already been so embarrassed and ashamed, and yet so brave, so he decided to give both of them a break.

“Thank you, Stevie. This already helps a lot. Let’s talk about it again later or tomorrow, and, if you want to add something or cross something else out, you are always more than allowed to do so, yeah?”, he asked, and Steve nodded.

Bucky looked at him for a second. “I love you so much.”, he said, his voice earnest. 

Steve swallowed and smiled somewhat pained, looking like he was holding back an emotional outburst. “And I love you, more than you could ever imagine. Seriously, I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m so lucky to have you.”

And oh, if that didn’t make Bucky’s heart explode into a million pieces. He reached over to squeeze Steve’s hands, which was still placed next to his mug. “I am the lucky one.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------- 

While Steve was dozing on the couch, his head resting on Bucky’s thigh, Bucky was scrolling through Amazon as well as some sites that were especially made for adult baby supplies. Sure, it was weird at first, shopping for stuff that people typically associated with toddlers but in adult sizes, but as the time went by, Bucky got used to it.

Also, he knew it’d make his boy happy, so the slight discomfort at the beginning was more than worth it.

There were many things more to be found on the list that required the right equipment, but Bucky didn’t want to overwhelm Steve right at the beginning, so he eventually settled for two packages of adult diapers of which he knew from his own experience that they were exceptionally good and secure, more wipes and powder just to be sure since his own supply was slowly coming to an end, three pacifiers with some cute animal designs on them, a baby blue onesie with little, green rabbits all over it in the biggest size available, one sippy cup, one baby bottle, and a blanket that, according to the ratings, was really soft and much-loved by the people that already tried it out. It was dark grey, huge and Bucky couldn’t wait to wrap Stevie up in it. 

Due to express delivery, the stuff should already arrive within the next 1-2 days.

Stroking through Steve’s hair absently, Bucky returned to some of the websites they had visited earlier and read further through some articles and stories of people’s own experiences. 

When he looked at the clock which was hanging above their TV, Bucky realized that it was already 9 p.m. Normally, that would not be his time for going to bed, but considering that they had a rather exciting, emotionally challenging day, he decided that it probably was for the best to take their cuddling to the bedroom.

Gently, he woke Steve up by tickling his neck, whereupon Steve reacted by squirming and wrinkling his nose in discomfort at first and only opened his eyes when he heard Bucky chuckling from above him.

“Mhmpf?”, he murmured, and looked at Bucky in confusion and disorientation.

“Time for bed, honey.”, Bucky declared in a soft voice.

After a moment, Steve nodded, slowly moving to sit up again, waiting for Bucky to leave the couch and to reach out with one hand to pull Steve up, who sleepily followed Bucky into the bathroom where the other man led him to sit down on the edge of the tub, only letting go of Bucky’s hand when he prepared first Steve’s toothbrush, and then his own.

He handed Steve his toothbrush and watched as he slowly began to brush his teeth, eventually following his lead. Steve’s eyes were still half-closed and he looked like he was ready to fall asleep the second his head meets his pillow.

It was a really lovely sight, and Bucky couldn’t help but reach out with his right hand to softly rough up Steve’s hair.

His boy giggled around the brush in his mouth, leaning into the touch, closing his eyes as Bucky’s hand travelled further, down his neck and then onto his back, where he gently let his fingertips glide over the stretched material of Steve’s shirt, who immediately leaned forward to rest his forehead against Bucky’s stomach as soon as the other man stepped closer in order to reach more of Steve’s back.

Bucky kept the soft petting going for a few minutes, even when they both were technically done with cleaning their teeth.

Eventually, he did have to stop because he wanted to get rid of the tooth paste in his mouth, and although Steve whined when Bucky stopped touching him, he soon followed his lead and spit out as well.

Afterwards, Bucky quickly put off his pants, reached into the bathroom closer, grabbed one of his diapers and unceremoniously put one on in swift, practiced movements, all while standing up and all while Steve watched him from where he sat down on the edge of the tub again, lips slightly parted and eyes fixed on either Bucky’s hands or groin the entire time.

Once Bucky was done, he took another diaper out of the cabinet and pointed into Steve’s direction with it, his eyebrows going up in a silent question.

After a second, Steve nodded, barely noticeable, and Bucky smiled at him while reaching out his free hand for Steve to grab so he could lead him into their bedroom and onto the bed.

As Steve got comfortable, Bucky went and got the powder, as well.

When he returned, Steve was already sprawled out on his back, with his sweatpants around his ankles, only waiting for Bucky to fully undress him. His cheeks were flushed again, and Bucky, knowing what his boy needed by now, took the blanket Steve was partly lying on into his hand and pulled it until it was within Steve’s reach, which he immediately took advantage on and moved it the rest of the way up to his face.

While Steve was busy covering his face, Bucky made a quick job of freeing Steve from his pants and boxers, slipping the diaper underneath him, applying some powder and closing it in the front again.

Then, he leaned down and gently pushed the blanket away from where it was partially hiding Stevie’s pretty face, so he could place a sweet, gentle kiss on the tip of Stevie’s nose, you squirmed and giggled at the action.

Bucky helped Steve under the blanket, well aware that while Steve was enjoying this, he still wasn’t completely in what the people on the internet called the ‘headspace’ yet. So, he didn’t ask him if he wanted Bucky to read a story to him or something, which is something he earlier had agreed on when he went through their list, but instead kissed his forehead and told him to settle down and relax while Bucky went to bring the powder and Steve’s boxer into the bathroom.

When he returned, Steve had already closed his eyes, although not asleep yet. Bucky smiled to himself, turned off the light and slipped in next to his boyfriend, who immediately moved closer so Bucky could wrap him into his arms.


	2. Surprise, Stevie!

The next morning, Steve woke up as his usual self again.

With red cheeks and avoiding eye contact, he practically fled out of bed and into the bathroom, where he quickly got rid of his unused diaper.

Then, he relieved his at the time rather full bladder into the toilet, as every adult man was supposed to, and only returned to their shared bed once he calmed himself down by telling himself that this was okay, that Bucky didn’t judge, that he wasn’t sick and all the other stuff Bucky had told him. It helped slowing down his pulse, even though he didn’t really _believe_ it all.

He still felt dirty. He still felt like something was seriously wrong with him. He still was afraid of what exactly was going on with him.

But when he went and laid down next to Bucky again, who carefully moved closer and kissed him on the cheek before burying his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, tickling him with his warm breath, it all suddenly didn’t seem all that awful anymore.

Still pretty awful, sure, but… maybe a little bit less. 

They went on with their day as they usually did when they had no places to be or people to see, which was rather uncommon anyway, since they technically still were in hiding and only a handful of people actually knew where they were.

So, Steve went to the kitchen and made breakfast, then Bucky took a shower once he had finished eating, Steve joined him, they kissed and made out for a bit but stopped when it began to get too heated and eventually settled down on the couch afterwards with Steve watching a documentary on JFK, while Bucky was reading his book.

Around 2 p.m., Bucky’s phone blinked up with the notification that one of his orders got dropped off at the packing station nearby.

So, Bucky quickly took his motor bike and picked the delivery up, which included two of the three packages he had been waiting for after ordering the stuff yesterday afternoon.

Steve was still sitting on the couch when Bucky returned, now with a bowl of Cheetos on his lap. He looked at Bucky curiously as the other man put the packages down on the living room table.

“It’s okay, take a look. They’re for you, anyway.”, Bucky said with a smile, trying to seem confident although he was pretty nervous, anxious about how Steve might react to the content he was soon to find.

Steve looked slightly worried as well, having no idea what could be inside since he didn’t order anything, but when Bucky nodded at him again in confirmation, the worry quickly changed into excitement, and Bucky’s heart jumped as he saw his lover putting aside his bowl and opening the packages like a child opened its Christmas presents.

Steve opened the one from the ‘special’ shop at first. Cautiously, he reached inside, and his eyes widened slightly as he pulled out the triple pack of pacifiers, inspecting them for a moment during which Bucky could’ve sworn that the blood in his veins had frozen due to his anxiety that Steve might absolutely hate the idea of Bucky buying baby stuff for him, but then Steve looked at Bucky and gave him an uncertain, yet gleeful smile, and Bucky felt more than just a bit relieved to see this instead of having Steve throw the things after him.

Obviously, Steve would have never done that, but still.

He watched as the other man freed the pacifiers of their plastic packaging, taking the red one with the little foxes on it into his hand, gently letting his thumb glide over the smooth surface of the rubber material. Then, he placed it on the table next to the others, and reached into the carton again, this time pulling out the baby bottle.

A blush had started to spread across Steve’s face and down his throat by then, which only intensified as he took in the cute, little clouds, suns, and stars which were printed onto the plastic. He placed the bottle next to the pacifiers, arranging them to sit in a straight line next to each other before he grabbed the next item, which was the soft, dark grey blanket.

Lips slightly parted and with a fascinated look on his face, Steve pulled it out completely and unfolded it on his lap.

With his chest aching from the adorableness in front of him, Bucky watched as his boy gently let his hands wander over the soft material, balling some of it up in one fist before letting go again, until he turned his head up to look at Bucky with bright eyes.

“Do you like it?”, Bucky asked quietly, and Steve nodded happily.

“It’s so soft.”, he said, his voice barely more than a whisper, looking at Bucky as if this was the greatest gift he had ever received.

Bucky walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, reaching out with his left arm to loosely place it around the other man’s waist. “I’m glad to hear that. Do you want to open the other one, too?”, he asked and for a second, Steve seemed unwilling to let go of the blanket, so Bucky gently took it from him and put it around his shoulders instead, feeling Steve’s muscles relax slightly once the quilt was fully placed on him.

Then, Bucky put his arm back to where it used to be, now over the blanket, while Steve leaned forward to open the other package, which was the one coming from Amazon. This time, Steve pulled out the diapers and the powder and wipes, which made him turn so much more red, Bucky couldn’t help but gently cup Steve’s face in order to make him look at him.

“You’re literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”, Bucky whispered with a smile, before leaning over and kissing Steve, who immediately kissed him back.

When they parted, Steve looked at him with the expression of what could only be described as ‘lovesick puppy’, a bit out of breath.

“Thank you.”, he mumbled, blushing even more. Bucky wished he was capable of feeling sorry about his boyfriend’s embarrassment, but the only thing he was able to think of was that he was so _blessed_ , to be allowed to be with this most adorable, most beautiful human being who didn’t only let him love him, but loved him back, as well.

“You’re very welcome.”, Bucky said and smiled at Steve as he let his hand travel to the back of Steve’s neck, where he gently stroked his warm skin with his thumb.

“Now, what do you say, you wanna try one out?”, he asked as he noticed that Steve was repeatedly glancing at the pacifiers before returning his gaze to Bucky.

Steve blushed and looked down at his hands, which where folded in his lap, but eventually nodded. Bucky could see that he was going towards headspace again. For how long must Steve have supressed his needs if such simple things as a pacifier and some sweet words could make him feel little so quickly now?

“Alright pal, would you lay down for me again?”, Bucky asked and helped Steve laying down with his back against the side rest of the sofa, his legs on either side of Bucky’s body, looking up at the other man with pink cheeks and big eyes.

Bucky grabbed the red pacifier, the one Steve looked at so interested earlier, and put it to his own mouth, because he had read that that’s how people ‘clean’ them up for their babies to use. Technically, he should have scalded it before use if he was to give it to a real baby, but thanks to the serum, the potential bacteria on the rubber part couldn’t become problematic to neither Steve nor himself.

It was a weird feeling, having such a thing in his mouth again for the first time in over 90 years, and he gave an experimental suck, winking at Steve as he watched Bucky with an almost jealous look on his face. Indeed, it didn’t feel too bad to use a pacifier, although Bucky had to admit that the memory of helplessness and being-little that came along with it didn’t really make him feel better or safer, just… different, somehow. It apparently didn’t have the same effect on him as it did on Steve.

As he pulled the pacifier from his own lips and moved it into Steve’s direction, his boys eyes were constantly fixed on the little, red object.

Eventually, Bucky gently bumped against Steve’s lips with it, but when the other man opened up his mouth, ready to take it in, Bucky moved it a bit away from him again.

Steve gave him a scandalized look, which made Bucky laugh. His boyfriend leaned up to take hold of the binky where it was now, and again Bucky pulled it away a bit, still laughing at the almost offended look on Steve’s face.

Finally, when he had let Steve try it the fourth time, his boy growing more frustrated with the second, even though there was also amusement at being teased to be found in Steve’s eyes, Bucky eventually gave in and let the other man close his lips around the rubber.

Steve gave a few uncertain sucks, not used to the feeling of the binky either, still sitting halfway upright from his attempts of catching the thing. Then, he slowly let himself lean against the rest again, and Bucky could see that he was now rhythmically sucking the paci in before letting loose again. The blush had by now travelled far into his shirt, and there was a hint of fear, of worry about this being all wrong and dirty in Steve’s eyes, while at the same time his features seemed to relax, and he eventually let his head fall back against the cushion, looking at Bucky like an angel the way he laid there, sprawled out with one of his hands hanging off the edge of the sofa, his left leg resting over Bucky’s lap, and his cheeks as pink as a doll’s.

“Feels nice, huh?”, Bucky asked softly, and Steve nodded lazily, suddenly seeming terribly tired. “Is my boy getting ready for a nap?”, and the way Steve’s eyes lit up at the use of ‘my boy’ and how his hands slowly balled into sleepy fists as he mentioned a nap, let Bucky know that Stevie was indeed fully in headspace now.

“Alright, you want me to lay down with you for a bit?”, Bucky asked further and as expected, Steve nodded again, now reaching out with one hand to take hold of the hem of Bucky’s shirt, trying to pull him closer.

Bucky chuckled. “Now, now, my love. How about me wrapping you into your new blanket at first? And then, if you move over a bit so I can lay down, too, we’re having a cuddle?”

That made Steve let go, but his half-open eyes followed Bucky’s every movement somewhat impatiently as the other man manoeuvred the blanket so it covered Stevie’s body fully. He could hear Steve sucking rhythmically on the pacifier.

As soon as he got under the blanket as well, facing Steve who now was laying on his side with his back against the rest, his boy immediately moved closer to him, letting his head fall against Bucky’s collarbone and curled his legs up, so one was underneath Bucky’s popliteal, while the other found its way between Bucky’s thighs, basically trapping one of Bucky’s legs between his own as if he was afraid that otherwise, the other man could get up and leave him alone.

It hurt Bucky in the best way to see Steve as clingy as that, and he wrapped his arms around the other man’s waist, pulling him was close as he could. He felt Steve’s warm breath hitting the skin on his throat, and if there was something wet slowly dampening the material of his shirt as he felt his boy’s body tremble lightly, he didn’t comment on it, only held him tight, telling him again and again that he loved him more than he ever loved anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Steve seems to be tired a lot right? It wouldn't make sense if you look at it biologically, since the serum basically enables him to stay awake and energized longer than normal people, but i was thinking that maybe his tiredness wasn't biological, but psychological. that being mature and responsible and supressing his little side for so long has just worn him out so much, as soon as he feels safe and comfortable, his mind goes into shut down, leads him into headspace and also causes him to feel the need to just cuddle up and sleep a lot.  
> Obviously, he won't just be asleep in the next parts of the story, though :D 
> 
> Also, I hope i made it clear enough that when Steve or Bucky feel sexual arousement while Steve is in headspace, it has nothing to do with them being into children or anything, but all with the helplessness, safety and cuteness of it all. That's it, being taken care of and providing care is basically their kink, if that makes any sense?
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!   
> Please let me know what you're thinking, if I handled this sensitive subject with enough respect and carefulness, or if there's something i should do differently in my next fics?
> 
> (p.s.: still not a native speaker, so please be kind and merciful when it comes to possible mistakes)


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